This is looking great Bobby! Love the pained expressions and cutting speech layout.
Hey mate, lovely work as always. Now I can only go by the one page you have posted, but I have picked up on a couple of things you may want to consider in Panel 4...1. Currently where it reads, "and then leave at 5..." may not be necessary as you've already stated that the character is working minimum hours; you seem to be double stating the same point which weakens the initial statement, plus the reader doesn't have prior knowledge of the guy's hours so him leaving at 5 means nothing to us. Maybe try something like, "So I hope you can understand that when you leave after completing your minimum hours - while everyone else is still working - "2. Where the boss says, "I have an issue?", shouldn't that end in an exclamation mark instead of a question mark? It seems like he is about to make a strong point, not ask a question.If I have these points out of context, feel free to tell me to get fucked. Cheers, Bedford.
JAMES: Thanks. DIGESTED is my playground, and this layout (as well as the expressions and idiosyncrasies) were the fun experiment on this piece.PAUL:The point of the piece was the irritating repetitive conversation I once had with a former boss of mine. A real prick. The question mark at the end was me trying to convey the 'tone' of the end of his sentence. Bear in mind that this is page six of the short story... and the 'whole' of it will be put it in context (hopefully) upon a complete read. I thought you'd realise this Paul, ya bugger... having gone through a similar defense of your LIST preview page on Pulp Faction a few month's ago - :)My only quandary is that I've interchanged '5' with 'five' throughout the story, but somehow like it, even though it's technically incorrect.-Bobby.N
Hey mate,my suggestions weren't of the page layout or composition, and i 'did' concede "...if I have these points out of context"; they were just little observations as it just didn't flow that well for me as he ends one sentence with "I have." and then begins the next with "I have an issue?". But I'll read it when it's done, I suppose... ;^)
Nah, all constructive criticism welcome mate. Was just trying to convey the target I was trying to hit in the piece.You'll get to read it soon... and for FREE this time! - :)-Bobby.N.
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